Husband in Hospital: Doing Mumlife Solo

14/11/18

Sitting here writing this entry, my house is a mess because there’s so much I need to do. Miss Rylee is asleep; the boys are at school so the house is eerily quiet.  You see my husband Rob is still in hospital. He’s in the assessment, treatment and rehabilitation (AT&R) ward for physical and occupational therapy. The reason he is there is because over a fortnight ago he had a right frontal craniotomy which in simple terms means he had brain surgery. The surgery was necessary due to the fact he had drug-resistant epilepsy. He flew up to Auckland, about an hour’s flight from Wanganui, with his Mum and I stayed back in Wanganui as our kids needed me. After about a week and a half in Auckland Hospital he was transferred from Auckland Hospital to Wanganui Hospital.

received_164251047859801-01

There is no certainty when he will be discharged and able to come home, I don’t even know if he will definitely be home before Christmas. Hopefully he will be as the estimated time was a month in AT&R.

While he’s been in hospital I’ve had to do Mumlife solo; No I’m not a solo mum, as I know my husband will be home sometime, in the meantime I’m trying to do the best I can by myself. Fortunately, I’ve had friends and family that have been a big help. You know what though, I still only ask for help when I feel I have no other option. Last night was the first time I had been able to visit Rob without any of the kids. Last week I didn’t get a chance to as on the days Rylee was at crèche I’d kept the boys home from school as Jason, my 7 year old had fallen off the school playground and sustained a mild concussion, I was advised to keep him at home until the headaches had subsided and to make it easier on me I also kept his little brother Alex home as well.

I love my kids so much but last week I felt like I’d had enough of their fighting, whining, and general disobedience. There are days when I really can’t be bothered to do any cleaning because it feels like that’s all I’ve done. Of course this means there’s even more to do the next day. Often I find I do more housework at night as that is when I feel the loneliest and when my thoughts are the loudest.

I find it interesting how when hubby and I would have rough patches and I briefly thought about calling it quits I never actually thought about what life would be like if I had to do everything myself

After these 2 weeks I have such an admiration for people that are solo parents in a more long term situation, and those whose partners are away quite frequently and they have to do everything themselves. I’ve found it takes a lot of energy and can be quite lonely sometimes even though you’re constantly with kids. We often need adult interaction as well to try to keep us sane.

One of the good things that have come out of the surgery is that Rob hasn’t had a seizure since about 1 or 2 days post-op, his thinking also seems to be clearer. His left leg is still very weak which is why he needs physical and occupational therapy; which he is thoroughly getting.

The positive aspects do not negate the fact that I miss him like crazy; it’ll be 10 years in January since we were married and this is the longest we’ve been away from each other. With all my imaginings of what could go wrong I did not expect to feel this temporary separation so keenly and I’m glad I didn’t lose him forever, even though there have been hard moments during our marriage in the end he’s my best friend, my soul mate and the one person I like to annoy the most. I think I would be completely lost without him.

engagement-daywedding-day.jpg

Our kids absolutely adore their Dad and Jason was asking the other day “when will Dad be home?” and it hurt that I couldn’t give him a definitive answer.

The first time I took Miss Rylee to see her Dad it took a while before she’d even just give him a high five. 20181114_131033When I took the boys the first time, Jason couldn’t get close enough to his Dad on the bed, Alex seemed to take everything in his stride and if I didn’t know better I would have thought he didn’t care too much that his Dad was at least back in town and a lot more accessible. Alex’s current behaviour is not exactly desirable and I think that is how he’s reacting to his Dad not being home.20181116_095110-01

Right now, I’m just praying and hoping that Rob’s rehab is speedy and he can return home before Christmas

Advertisements

Rendells Rock Raro

coco

We headed off on a tropical adventure for the wedding of family, travelling with kids was definitely an adventure, especially when one of the kids is a 2 year old toddler. I had time on my hands to read, more time than I realised I would; I had forgotten how quickly I can get through a book when I have the time, which in real life I don’t normally have. I also had plenty of time to write so this blog post may be more of a short novel, so sorry in advance.

Day One

We started off driving by car to Palmerston North to catch our flight to Auckland. This flight was a first for Alex and Rylee who had never been in plane before. Jason was a baby when he had his first plane ride so didn’t remember that adventure.

Once we arrived in Auckland we had to walk from the Domestic Terminal to International Terminal, when we arrived at the International Terminal we checked our luggage in and grapped something to eat. We also met up with some of the Aussie and Auckland Family.

Boys on tablets

It felt like the flight to Rarotonga took ages to even take off. Fortunately for the boys at least there were movies on the plane they could watch, Rylee wasn’t really interested in the screen and did not like the headphones.

flight to raro

Midway through the flight to Rarotonga, Dinner arrived and the kids were happy with their meals. I had the Lamb curry and it was actually quite nice. It’s funny how I had expected Plane food to be on the same level as Hospital food but was definitely nowhere near as bad.

The boys travelled very well especially with having screentime available. As Alex was sitting next to  window by his grandparents and we were in the middle aisle I actually did not know much of what he was doing. Jason was between his Dad and Rylee and I noticed he would either watch a movie on the plane screen or he would be playing games on his tablet.

Rylee did not like takeoff or landing at all, when she was at her best – behavior wise was – it was when she was asleep or eating. Other times she was extremely noisy, squealing a lot and taking off her seatbelt. I did watch Moana on this flight because it didn’t matter to me if I did have to pause the movie at times to deal with Rylee.

We finally arrived in Rarotonga, again it felt like eternity before we actually got through customs, when we finally did Alex decided he needed to go toilet and Jason decided to go off with some of our group while Rob, Rylee and I waited for Alex for finish his business. When Alex had finished and we got out of the airport I was so relieved to see my Mother-In-Law waiting for us. The first transfer bus had already gone with Jason and other family. The next bus arrived and as it drove along I wondered sometimes if we would even make it to the resort; after a while I noticed that the smells of Rarotonga are definitely different to New Zealand. It was night when we arrived and so I was unable to actually see much on the bus ride.

We settled into our Villa at the Edgewater resort. The boys had their own room and Rylee had a bed in our room, we also shared the villa with my brother-in-law, his fiancee and their little girl.

Rylee Sleeping 1

Day Two

A tropical breakfast was provided at the Resort restaurant and this consisted of choices of cereal, toast, fruit, muffins, juice and coffee. I stuck to what I knew and kept to muesli and toast – with a coffee as well. The boys had muesli and toast and Rylee had coco pops. Hubby had a lot of fruit with yoghurt and a coffee. The kids also drank a lot of juice, which was good as bottled water was expensive, and you needed to stay hydrated as it was hot.

Jase at Brekkie

We spent a lot of time swiming in the pool or at the beach. Jason loved the beach, Alex loved the pool and Rylee wasn’t too keen on either. The sea water was so clear that I actually tried my hand at snorkling and saw a few schools of fish.

 

Dinner this night was at the restaurant at the resort which had kids meals for under $10 and the proper meals were decent sized, I decided to go with the pork ribs which were very tender and I think they import New Zealand meat. The restaurant is also near the beach and the boys loved climbing the rocks, Rylee enjoyed exploring the restaurant and did a disappearing act on me – that girl is very quick for someone so little.

 

Day Three

Another Tropical breakfast and then we spent a lot of time swimming or in our villa where as Rylee had not had much sleep the night before I stayed while she napped and the boys went swimming with their Aunty, Uncle and cousins. Rylee slept for a few hours and when she woke I took her to the pool for a swim but she wasn’t very keen, the water was very cold in the pool and I guess she wasn’t used to the cold water so whenever I had her in the pool we didn’t stay in for long.

Rylee sleeping

Dinner was homemade burgers at other family’s villa which was just across the way from us and the boys loved trying to climb the coconut tree – there are so many coconut trees at the resort. The boys’ uncle opened a coconut which was the entertainment for the evening and when we tried the coconut it was unlike anything I’ve had in New Zealand. The fact that I liked it – and to be honest, I’m not normally a huge fruit fan – says how tasty it was. Though maybe its more correct to classify coconut as a nut and not a fruit, maybe.

Coconut breaking

Day Four

Another tropical breakfast and I again did not try anything different from what I knew. This day was also spent swimming and snorkeling and this time the tide was not as strong and I wanted to go out further however because I was with the boys and Alex wanted my attention I had to come back to shore. We again split our time between the pool and the beach.

The evening was a very laid back evening as we just had pizza from another restaurant at the resort, this restaurant is also along the main road near the resort. The pizzas were massive and the taste I found a bit unusual though still a bit tasty, it was probably the cheese which I didn’t really like, though still ate the pizza which is more than I can say about Alex who definitely did not like the pizza’s and Jason would have had more if we’d let him, he has such a big appetite.

The kids finally went to bed at a decent hour with hardly any arguments, even Miss Rylee went down quietly. I think she was tired enough to actually sleep but not over-tired that she fought sleep.

Our villa was not far from the beach and at night we could hear the crashing of the waves which some may find relaxing though I wasn’t too keen on the noise. I love the sound of rain on the roof and it did rain most nights we were there, it didn’t rain much during the day though there was often a nice breeze blowing.

 

Day Five

Today was the wedding of my husband’s cousin. We had a pretty cruisy morning and after lunch we all got ready for the wedding, the boys had wanted to wear the clothes for the wedding earlier in the day but I knew they wouldn’t keep them clean. While I was getting ready I had Rylee with me and trying to get ready with a toddler underfoot is not easy, she even was able to grab my NEW foundation and put some of it on. The ceremony was near the beach under coconut trees and the kids loved playing in the sand, it was a beautiful and simple wedding with such a gorgeous backdrop.

After the ceremony, Rylee and I came back to the villa with my Mother-in-Law and future sister-in-law with the 2 little girls and we had a couple glasses of wine while the boys were with their Dad, Uncles and Grandfather.

 

The wedding reception was in an Umu and was very casual, the tables were beautifully laid out and had available on the tables a container of Cook Island Lager, which was not too sweet and though different very nice. After those glasses of wine I’d had and a glass of lager, I knew I had passed my limit and was reminded why I don’t really drink. I’m not a big fan of being out of control and try to be composed, alcohol takes that away, or tries to anyway. I don’t think I was truly out of control but I knew I was in no state to take the boys over to the kids coconut club so Rob had to do it. My mother-in-law was sitting next to me and helped with Rylee and she was the one that took Rylee back to the villa to get her into her pyjamas and into bed.

 

I didn’t eat much of the main meal though I really liked the potatoes and sour cream. I had 2 servings of dessert though didn’t quite finish the 2nd serving and once I felt a bit composed was able to collect the boys and take them back to the villa and make sure they got ready for bed.

 

Day Six

Recovering from the night before didn’t need much more than a couple cups of coffee and a decent breakfast – which again was muesli. After breakfast the boys went to the kids club and Rylee and I went for a walk along the road which as she was in an umbrella stroller was not a smooth walk. The side of the road is not exactly paved and there were many rocks or holes that we had to go over. It was along this walk that I really felt the heat. While at the resort we had an ocean breeze that for the most part made the heat bearable. I cut our walk short because the heat was unbearable and returned to our air-conditioned villa to cool down and because Rylee had fallen asleep on our walk.

I finally got to go for a swim by myself as Rob took charge of Rylee and the boys were at the pool with their grandfather. It was at this time I realised that the idea of alone time was not as fun as I expected, I couldn’t really enjoy my swim as I wanted someone to talk to.

Day Seven

The day before we flew back to New Zealand, I was sitting on the bed in our villa while Rylee had a much needed nap and a lot of my thoughts were turned towards the fact we were leaving early the next morning and I needed to make sure that everything was packed and ready to go by the evening. I thought about keeping Rylee in her pyjamas and not to bother changing her; I ended up getting her dressed as she was awake early enough for me to dress her.

Its amusing how even on a tropical island my mind was still not relaxed and even though the people of Rarotonga may operate on “Island Time” that’s not my cup o’ tea. I need to have a plan, even if the plan doesn’t end up working out as expected.

Dinner on the last night was getting takeaway from the resort restaurant, the kids and I had exactly what we’d had for lunch earlier however I didn’t have to wait for our food for as long as I did when we had it at the restaurant. Rylee went to bed pretty early but I let the boys stay to watch some of a Harry Potter movie as they were with their Uncle who lives in Christchurch and so don’t get to see often.

 

Day Eight

Departure day; awake early to finish packing and make sure everyone is ready to meet our transfer bus at the resort lobby. There was less of a line to check in at the Raro airport and less time to get through customs. I got in a bit of shopping at the airport shops and eventually boarded the plane. Even though some of the kids had had breakfast early, I was glad for the breakfast that was served on the flight. This flight was a lot more stressful than the flight to Rarotonga as Rylee spent a lot of the flight squealing, she did sleep a little at the beginning and end of the flight. The cabin crew were pretty cool and let me know I could take her to the back of the plane and look out the window, they also gave her an activity pack and interacted with her. Rylee made the flight feel a lot longer than it actually was and I would have been glad when we arrived however we still had to get through customs and the walk to the domestic terminal and check in our luggage there.Rob and Rylee sleeping on plane

Trying to getting the umbrella stroller back felt stressful as it hadn’t come off with everything else and we had to talk to airport staff to work out where it was, we finally got it and I was able to put Rylee in the stroller instead of carrying her.

 

Between flights we did get McDonalds for lunch which all the kids ate, and it was something familiar so didn’t have to think too much about what to order..

The flight from Auckland to Palmerston North felt very quick and the cabin crew friendly, this plane was smaller than the International and less passengers, as it was also during the day we could look out the window and see the country below us; I hadn’t realised how rectangle the fields on New Zealand are and it looks like they were just rolled out.

We arrived in Palmerston North without a hitch and it was quite windy when we got outside the airport it made me miss Rarotonga already. I finally felt able to breathe when we were in the car on the way home.

I was so exhausted and relieved when we finally got home that I just used the Pizza Hut app to order dinner as I was too tired to even talk to anybody. It was an early bedtime for the kids and I, though I think Rob stayed up.

I loved the beauty of Rarotonga, it is a refreshing place to be and the people are friendly. Rarotonga is nice as a holiday destination but there is no place like home, and I was keen to get back to New Zealand and back to real life.

airport sign

Separation Anxiety Opened My Eyes

Separation Anxiety is something a lot of parents have to deal with, its a part of children coming to realise their own identities as people.

When my daughter Rylee was a new baby she was content enough to be held by other people, as she got a bit older that contentment was no longer as strong and she was not as willing to be held by males who weren’t her Dad or brothers. As she got a bit more older and aware of her surroundings she was again content with people she knew and the odd person who she wasn’t as familiar to her. Most times I was in close proximity which may have given her a sense of safety around people, I also think she was at an age where she had a sense of a persons temperament.

The Separation Anxiety seems to have risen again as the last couple of days she has been quite clingy. Even when dropping her off at creche where she has been going for a few weeks. I don’t know if its because of her age or because we have been planning a big holiday and the excitement around her may be a cause as at 26 months she wouldn’t understand what is going on.

Rylee is my third child that I’ve had the chance to parent through the terrible two’s, however that hasn’t made it any easier or  helped it go smoothly. Maybe its because she’s my girl and I’m more protective of her than I was of the boys, in those times when tears are streaming down her cheek when I’ve had to leave her at creche makes me feel horrible; there is a part of me that knows she will be fine as I trust her teachers – that doesn’t make it any easier. Once I’ve been informed that shes fine and back to her cheery self, my own anxiety lessens.20180714_103148

I never thought I’d be so protective of my girl as I want her to grow up to be a strong confidant woman, that will try anything. I still have this overwhelming need to protect her. I have discovered that there is a fine line between protecting her and allowing her to have a tiny taste of independence.

I was a boy Mum for almost 5 years before my girl came along. Just as I want my boys to try their best at what they do I also believe that girls should be given the option to try anything and shouldn’t be discouraged because of their gender.

All children should be encouraged to have a growth mindset which adds yet on to can’t. They should be allowed to discover their own limitations and not defined by someone else, who may have the best of intentions or not.

_20180302_144831

When children are infants their encouragement often comes in the form of scaffolding where assistance is provided when needed. Children need to be given a chance to at least try something and not have someone do it for them after only one attempt, this may make it easier in the short term, but does not lead to a growth in confidence which their own successful attempts can provide.

If we as parents always make things too easy for them what does this mean in how they turn out as adults. If we try to solve all their problems, how will they learn about real consequences and learn how to solve their own problems when possible.

We don’t want to wrap our kids in cotton wool but we also don’t want them to constantly feel like their efforts are not enough and have a feeling of discouragement. Encouragement is a key necessity for growing well-rounded people, we all need encouragement sometimes and especially as children.

Mum’s Need Superpowers

cleaning-with-a-toddler.jpg

The expression “Supermum” is such a well-used compliment, if superpowers were real I’d probably want superspeed.

Things have been pretty hectic lately as Hubby’s health has been sporadic and there have been a few days when he’s been unable to help much in the mornings, so I’m the one responsible for getting 3 kids ready in the morning. The boys are 5 and 7 so are able to pretty much get dressed themselves as well as brush their own teeth – with a few reminders. It has been in these times I wished I had superpowers, more specifically Super speed. I think as a mum super speed would be the handiest superpower. Super speed would assist in completing everything that needs to be done and also help a Mum to see to her own needs, which is important as well.

Lately, I’ve come to realise that I’m someone who more often than not puts myself last on the list of priorities, so neglect my own needs. I’ve also found that I will at times work myself until I almost collapse, I sometimes don’t even eat until my stomach is screaming at me for food, yet I always make sure the kids are fed.

Now that my little girl is down to 1 nap I have less time to get things down without her underfoot “helping”. She seems to be quite clingy lately – at home anyway. She likes to play with the toys I’ve just tidied up so unintentionally makes cleaning take longer. Or she like to have cuddles when I’m busy. Kids are young for such a short time so I like to give them as much of my time that’s possible.

Super speed would be a huge help in our household as not just because my husband has epilepsy but also because due to a medical mishap when he had his first surgery as a kid he is partially paralysed. This means that things he can do sometimes take longer which means he can get less done in a day. The few times that he’s in charge of the kids means he has to make them the priority which means that housework sometimes gets put to the wayside.

Here in New Zealand spring has arrived, and this means the gardens need weeding and lawns need mowing, this is another time when super speed would be an advantage, another thing I sometimes wish I had was eyes in the back of my head especially with a toddler in the house. Rylee is quick and can get into mischief as soon as my back is turned it seems.

The house chore I’ve been putting off lately is moping the floors as there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to mop. Moping needs to be done while kids are not around; or at least occupied either playing outside or in their rooms.

There are quite a few T.V. shows and movies involving characters with superpowers and watching these programmes, I understand why they have such an appeal to a wide audience.

While finishing this my toddler needed to sit on my lap which is not an uncommon occurrence – with superspeed I could have typed this out faster as long as my mind could keep up.

From Rainbow Baby to School Boy

Jason- birth
Jason @ 1 Day old

Recently it was my eldest boy’s 7th birthday and it got me thinking how his birth was not as straight forward as I hoped.

Jason is my rainbow baby, meaning he was the child we had after our first-born, Zoe was stillborn.

Zoe’s birth was extremely traumatic and as I went late with her I was scared I would with Jason so insisted on being induced on the due date. I was unsure whether I could mentally handle going past the due date.

Anyway I was induced on the morning of the 27th but by late evening I hadn’t made as much progress as the midwife would have liked and because of my history it was decided that I needed a c-section. This ended up being a good decision as it was discovered Jason had the umbilical cord around his neck and if I had kept on pushing there was a possibility we could have lost him as well.

When he was about 3 days old while still in hospital when his blood was tested they found that his bilirubin levels were low and so he had to go under the lights for 2 days which meant we stayed in hospital for almost a week.

283341_10150739336900176_3728219_n
Jason @ 4 Days Old

After we came home, the only way he would sleep was in my arms which meant that when I did get sleep it wasn’t adequate sleep. Jason hated to be put down even if I was nearby, so when I needed to eat it was often one-handed as he would be in my arm.

I remember one time when I had to hang out the washing, I put him down in the port-a-cot which was in the lounge and he screamed the whole time I was outside. This made me feel guilty so as soon as I had finished hanging out the washing I went in, picked him up and we sat down in front of the T.V. so I could feed him and as usual he fell asleep while feeding.

This went on for about 3 weeks until we discovered he was losing weight and that the reason was he wasn’t getting sufficient milk and I ended up having to supplement with formula. Once I started him on formula he started sleeping better but because he’d got into the habit of sleeping with me it wasn’t until he was a few months old before he would sleep in the bassinet.

Before I started him on formula he looked gaunt which I didn’t realise until I looked at some photos from around that time, I barely recognised him from the bonny baby he was a few months later.

298717_10150760122755176_5112389_n
Jason @ 2 weeks old
424428_10151224907890176_1685928469_n
Jason @ 6 months old

Now 7 years on, he is a very active and skinny school boy who can eat as much as his tall and stocky Dad. Jason loves sport both playing and watching. He is also an avid and brilliant reader.

37920047_10160641538810176_1790744789675671552_o
Jason @ 6 1/2 years old

Activate Release Response

It feels like forever since I’ve written a blog post though I have shared things directly to my Facebook Page.

Things have been pretty hectic lately what with the daily grind of Mum Life and emotional overload. It’s been over this time that I’ve realised I have again been putting myself at the bottom of the priority list. My energy is spent on housework, the kids and hubby’s health drama’s. July is birthday month with 2 of the kids birthday’s a week apart but with an almost 5 year age gap.

With overexerting myself I ended up having a massive argument with Hubby which due to the overload of my emotions I had a panic/anxiety attack.

 

Normally, I recognise my signs of overload and take action to avoid exploding, however this time most likely due to exhaustion especially with worrying about Baby Girl I was unable to stem the tide of emotions that overwhelmed me.

 

My outlets are going for walks, writing and online shopping (of course) and I’ve neglected my walks unless they had a practical purpose to complete an errand, I think I’ve neglected my writing as I was trying to control my emotions instead of allowing them to be released in a healthy way.

 

I’m grateful for many things and one of those are family and friends that allow me to unload, even when it may be an annoyance or inconvenience. Its with some of them that I’ve been able to talk to in my moments of complete meltdown; even those who aren’t the closest of friends have been a sounding board. Some of those that I’ve talked to have let me know that what I’m feeling or certain things I’ve said are not abnormal and that if I didn’t get into ever argue with hubby that would be abnormal.

 

I’ve always tried to not allow people to see me in what I think are moments of weakness. I normally am someone who tries to keep my emotions in check but that’s not always possible and when I force those emotions down eventually everything comes rising to the surface and explodes if there has been no release.

 

There have been the odd occasion when I’m unable to stop myself before I explode and when I lose my temper, I hate myself for it and this leads to an even more intense panic/anxiety attack.

 

In retrospect I think part of the reason I’ve been a tad more stressed lately is because of Rylee’s Birthday Tea Party and my desire for it to be perfect which is probably unattainable as you can’t control every aspect. I know it won’t matter to her as she’s 2 years old and most likely wont remember it anyway but there are times when I want some semblance of control. When it comes to the boys’ birthday parties I’ve become a lot more relaxed but with baby girl its different and though I try to add reason to any expectation it’s like my own disappointments define my expectations for my girl’s parties.

 

I think I better sign off now as since its school holidays my boys like to get up early.

 

Anyway, one thing to remember is: Activate your release response before explosion is imminent.

Find Your “One Reason Why Not”

You matter

I recently finished watching the second season of “13 Reasons Why” and it got me thinking about my own experiences with suicidal thoughts and the darkness that sometimes feels overwhelming. It’s the reason why this particular Netflix series was something I could not willingly binge-watch, the material in it were very heavy and due to losing my mother to suicide and the thoughts that I’ve had since a teenager hit me very hard.

It did get me thinking about why I never actually took my own life and the reason was that there was always at least one thing to hold on to; that seems to be what stopped me from carrying through with those enveloping destructive thoughts. As a teenager the reason why I didn’t was because of fear of disappointing others and that at the time I believed that suicide was a selfish act. When I became a mum the thing that stopped me was the fact that my children needed me and that I didn’t want them to go through what I went through – and still do some days – with my own mother.

 

There have been times when the fight was very hard, and the thoughts made it difficult to hold on to anything positive though eventually I would suppress those thoughts and now those times of wanting to end my life have become rare.

This is what has helped me to manage those moments, unfortunately though there are those who find the fight impossible to win through and their lives are taken because of suicide. These people may have been in such a downward spiral that NO-ONE may have been able to help. Even the encouraging, uplifting words of their friends or family may not have been able to break through the darkness. Its my opinion that having at LEAST one thing in your life to hold on to is important but it may not be positive words from others. As sometimes the negative thoughts are stronger.

May be another reason I am still here today is because of my belief in Jesus, but there have been times when even scriptures can be hard to believe in and can’t hold back those destructive thoughts and a person may feel that they are loved by God alone and only want to be with Him in heaven, because the truth is Satan will use anything to tear us down and rob us of our joy.

 

For me, I don’t believe that my faith in Jesus is a crutch as there have been times when I have tried to turn away from Him especially after losing my Mum and later on losing my first-born daughter, it was at these times that if I had been brain-washed the pain I felt from these losses would have broken it. I did change after the loss of my daughter, I became more of a realist and lost a lot of optimism – there were even times when I was quite pessimistic. The pessimism opened wider the path for anxiety to lead to depression and at times lead me down a very DARK path. It did not help that from a young age I had a need to please people and when I felt I had disappointed someone or that they didn’t like me caused me to turn down that path that I hate, it caused me to question the encouraging and positive words of those that loved and cared about me.You are you

 

I’m surmising that for some people it may take more than one reason to keep on fighting and only take one reason to give in; It is my opinion that suicide is not really giving up but more like giving in to those negative and destructive thoughts.

One of the hopes I have for my children is that they’ll always know that I love them no matter what, and will always be ready to listen to them even if I may not like what they have to say. I also want my children to be there for each other and to be there for their friends.

I also want my friends and family to know I am here to listen or even if all they need is a hug. I have experienced those negative and dark thoughts I understand that sometimes just having someone to listen can help as its not always easy to just choose life.

virtual hug