I have 2 daughters and as far as I know I will always have 2 daughters. Zoë- Jean and Rylee are my daughters, Zoë may have been still-born but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s my first-born and my eldest daughter. Rylee is not a replacement, the loss of Zoë means that I feel a desire to buy things for Rylee or do things for/with her that I never got the chance to with Zoë. At the moment I’ve probably gone a bit overboard in purchases however as Rylee gets older and I feel more secure in myself as being a mother of a living girl those purchases will lessen.
Sometimes it may appear I purchase things because of others purchases – that is not the case. Sometimes I purchase things for Rylee because of the joy that parcels bring, sometimes I need that joy
I had so many hopes and dreams for Zoë which I never got to see fulfilled; in having Rylee I have the opportunity to fulfill that void. Rylee may have been a bit of a surprise, that doesn’t take away how much of a joy she is to me.
Due to the loss of Zoë I am sometimes scared that Rylee is just a dream, and that I won’t get to have her for long – Some would say that is silly, I don’t always feel like that. I have lost a daughter, a mother and a little sister, so grief and loss has been a part of my life.
I was so determined to enjoy my pregnancy with Rylee however that was not possible, so am enjoying every day with her – she is healthy and happy so I guess I should not worry about what may never happen.
My life will never be like others, I feel blessed to have the family and friends that I have, especially those that have been helpful to my wee family and have showed that they care. I know that there are those that do not have much support, for me there are moments where I do feel lost and times when keeping the smile on my face is difficult; moments like those are normally few and far between.
I LOVE LIFE
I LOVE MY HUSBAND
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
I LOVE ALL FOUR OF MY CHILDREN