Sometime last year I wrote this on my personal Facebook page and felt that with everything that’s gone on lately now was the time to add to it
In my life I have lost my baby sister, my mum took her own life and I have lost both my Grandfathers. The worst thing ever was when my firstborn baby girl was stillborn – I didn’t drink or do drugs yet through no fault of my mine she died while I was giving birth to her. After that I questioned my faith in God, I mean what type of God would allow the death of a baby? I had helped out in so many areas in the church that I couldn’t even imagine something like this happening to me.
I was so angry at God but then it also got me thinking even when I was angry at God for the death of my Zoe-girl – he was still there. No matter that the Dr’s told me that that she wasn’t going to make it, her death still came as a big blow. It shook me to my very core, my faith when I got it back was never the same, and I’m not the same person I was before I lost Zoe.
Before I only believed what I had been taught from childhood and knew no different, after losing Zoe I questioned everything.
Rob and I prayed so hard for Zoe’s healing that for a while after losing her I had little faith that prayer actually worked, but over the last year or so that has changed.
There’s that scripture that most people know “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life” – John 3:16.
Well I always thought I knew what love was, even after marrying Rob, but it wasn’t until I lost Zoe and then had Jason and Alex that I truly understood – the love I have for my children is unconditional and as much as I love Rob its not the same. No matter how my kids may rile me that love for them doesn’t change however when Rob and I are going through a rough patch there are times when I question our love and I think that if it wasn’t for our faith in God we may not have still been married for all these years.
God is Love – however people sometimes interpret the bible to fit their lifestyle, God is infallible but people are not. God does not hate anyone, it doesn’t matter what you may do or may have done even those that are the worst of the worst God still loves for His love is unconditional, just as when my kids do something that I don’t like it does not lessen my love for them.
Halfway through last year our last child arrived we now have a living little girl. With this new addition I started feeling a lot happier but then 2017 came and by the end of the first week of the new year my husband was in hospital in an induced coma due to uncontrollable seizures. Two weeks later he was discharged but there are still complications; his mobility is even more limited than what it was last year.
One of the things I have been told about brain injury is that it can cause the person to be short-tempered (to put it nicely). I’m not a person that swears very often so I knew that I was being hammered emotionally when my swearing seems to have become a daily occurrence. This weekend the boys are at their Nana’s which has given me a reprieve from trying to keep things calm for them, however this means that my guard has come down a little and I’m finding it harder to keep a smile on my face.
There are times that it feels really hard to remember why I love my husband; we’ve had people mention how “God won’t give us more than we can handle” and there have been times especially for Rob that that feels like B.S.
Always being strong is just not possible and that is when we need to lean on friends and family and try to remember even the most smallest of happy moments and TRY to remember that getting over the mountain will eventually happen.