Faking It Until You Make It

Faking It Until You Make It

Jason- birth
Jason at Birth

After we lost Zoë I really desired to have another girl; one I could actually get to parent. About 10 months after we lost her, we found out I was pregnant and were very excited. The 20 week ultrasound was when we found out that baby was a boy – I was upset at the time as I wanted a girl so much that I thought that this baby was a girl. Jason has such a big heart and can be very empathetic for a 6 1/2 year old and I wouldn’t trade him for anything.

Alex - Birth
Alex a few days old

When we decided to have another baby I wasn’t concerned about the gender for certain reasons;

  • If baby was a boy we already had a lot of boy stuff and didn’t need to worry about clothes and whatnot, I was already experiencing life as boy’s mum.
  • It would just be the icing on the cake, the cherry on top to have a girl and I would finally have the girl I wanted.

At 20 weeks we found out baby was a boy and when he arrived, Alex was a pretty easy baby, he hardly cried and was sleeping through at 5 weeks (I think). When Alex reached the terrible two’s he was no longer as cruisy – it was like he’d finally found his voice.

Rylee - Birth
Rylee a few days old

After a few years we decided to try for one more baby and this time that desire for a girl was at the forefront – even Jason said baby was a girl. We found out at the 20 week ultrasound that baby was indeed our long-awaited girl and that she was perfectly forming and there were no concerns.

With this information you would have thought I’d be over the moon, but you know what I only was for a short time; it was a feeling of apathy, maybe there was a part of me that feared getting excited in case something happened and we lost her. I remember feeling guilty I wasn’t more excited and tried the old adage “Fake it until you make it”.

When she was finally here and breathing – even then I still had a sense of anxiety until she smiled when she was only a few days old and that’s when my love for her just exploded.

I still have moments of regret that I wasn’t excited when I was pregnant with her, but it was also a difficult pregnancy as I had constant Braxton hicks from around 15 weeks gestation; didn’t find out until 34 weeks that I had an Irritable uterus. I had been so determined to enjoy my last pregnancy; however that was not to be.

During my pregnancy with Zoë the bond was there from the get-go, which is one of the reasons her loss hit me so hard. With Jason I was super excited and even though I can’t remember if the bond was there from the beginning but I do know it was there from the moment he was born.

The 3rd trimester was a bit rough when I was pregnant with Alex and when he was born I didn’t have a bond with him – however my husband did.

Just because we may not enjoy a pregnancy or the bond with our child is not instantaneous this does not mean we are bad mums. It may have taken a year or so for me to feel a bond with Alex but eventually it did happen.

A key thing to remember is that if we feel we are struggling and want to give up; then asking for help is the best thing to do. In my opinion it takes a strong person to ask for help when we need it, I know as mums we sometimes we think that someone may think we are not good mums if we struggle so we try to be what society expects of us, we need to try and let go of others expectation and do the best thing for us and for our children – Mums you are important as well.

Zoe - scan
Zoe’s Scan
42 Weeks Of Love

42 Weeks Of Love


I’ve had some people in the past ask me why I carried on with my pregnancy with Zoë-Jean when the prognosis was so dire – “she wasn’t viable for life”. The reason being I wanted to give her a fighting chance and hoping the medical professionals were wrong.

There’s a song by Mark Shultz called “What It Means To Be Loved” and it’s the first few verses and chorus that describes a similar situation to the one we had with Zoë and one of the reasons we were determined to carry on with the pregnancy knowing what the medical professionals expected the outcome to be; unfortunately the medical professionals were partially right – she didn’t live, however my pregnancy progressed longer than they expected.

It felt like every time I met with my midwife after the 20 week scan diagnosis she would say “I probably wouldn’t carry to term; as this was my first pregnancy it was a hard-hitting thing to hear –however I kept on holding on to hope; some medical professionals thought I was in denial about the situation – I wasn’t, I just couldn’t give up on my daughter, no matter what anyone else said. Those words were one of the reasons very few people knew about the possible outcome; we didn’t want or need any more negativity.

At 42 weeks gestation I needed to be induced as contrary to what the medical professionals had expected she wasn’t making her arrival and she still had a heartbeat in utero; the first induction did not take and so I had a sleepless night at the hospital waiting until they could try again to induce me in the morning.

The next morning I was again induced and also had my waters broken around 10am but nothing really happened until about 2 hours later, even then things still progressed slowly – I vaguely remember my midwife telling me to try and get some sleep, I also remember my husband needing to go back home as he forgot his phone and me thinking (or saying?) I don’t give a f*** about his phone.

Later on that evening her head was finally out and her heartbeat while low was still beating, that’s when things turned sour. She was stuck and first the obstetrician tried to turn her into a better position however it wasn’t until the midwife had a try that she was able to be turned however by that time it was too late and having her stuck for 22 minutes meant that when she was finally born – it was into the arms of Jesus.

If it wasn’t for hope and trust in God the outcome may have been exactly as the medical professionals had expected; however thanks for my love for her to fight and for God’s love for me in giving me the strength to hold on in my doubt I was at least able to have her for 42 weeks – even if it was In Utero.



Birth Stories

Birth Stories

I was reading a post the other day about birth stories and it got me thinking about the birth of my children – I’ve had 1 vaginal and 3 c-sections. My only vaginal birth was with my firstborn Zoë.

With Zoë I was induced at 42 weeks, I was admitted into hospital on Wednesday morning when the first lot of Prostaglandin gel  was administered. All day I was in pre-labor with not much happening so stayed over night and the next morning they administered more of the gel and also broke my waters – nothing much happened until around midday when the contractions started getting stronger, sometime that evening her head came out however she got stuck and it took them 22 minutes to turn her and get her out which was too long and she was stillborn. The thing with her was that the medical personnel involved in this pregnancy did not expect me to carry to term as she had cranial abnormalities so it was a miracle that I ended up with her being overdue. Yes, we may have still lost her in the end, I still got those 42 weeks of pregnancy with her which was longer than the professionals expected.

I was induced with my eldest boy Jason and things seemed to move a lot quicker with him. The gel seemed to work first try but even though I was induced in the morning but late evening he still hadn’t progressed much and I think he was starting to get stressed so he ended up being a emergency c-section as they didn’t want to push me considering my previous birth experience. The c-section probably saved him as he had the cord around his neck and saved me from more heartache.

I had a elective c-section with my youngest son Alex, as we thought it was the safer option considering I had already had a c-section, however with him it took a lot longer for me to bond with him than it did with Jason.

Rylee – my baby girl was an elective c-section as well, though I think I had it earlier than was originally planned as it was discovered at 32 weeks(?) that I had an irritable uterus which explained why I was having braxton hicks from around 13 weeks and why they were so strong.

If I remember rightly I hated having the oxygen during the c-section with Alex as it made me sleepy and it freaked me out – I guess it might have been because I wanted to be awake for it all and there might have been a part of me that was scared if I went to sleep I wouldn’t wake up. On the other hand that might have been with Jason

I guess you could say that these birth stories aren’t exactly typical but they are the stories of my children’s births.

I’ve heard it mentioned that those who have c-sections are “too posh to push” and I completely disagree. If someone was to ask my opinion on having an elective c-section I would say that unless its necessary not to go for it as the recovery time normally is a lot longer than a vaginal birth, however if for whatever reason it is necessary there is no shame in it as whether it be vaginal or c-section it is still a birth. Yes, there are risks either way but the most important thing is the well-being of BOTH mother and child.