One, Two or Many – Not Our Place to Say

One, Two or Many – Not Our Place to Say

I hadn’t planned to post anything for a few weeks as we are moving house and I thought I would be too busy with packing and unpacking to get to the blog, however I hadn’t taken into consideration the effect a nice warm relaxing bath has on my thoughts.

This particular bath got me thinking about how many people have views on the make-up of a family; concerning gender and numbers. One day, before I had even met my husband, I was with friends and we were discussing when we have children how many we would have, I said I would like a boy and a girl and that was all, I know now that that’s what is called a “pigeon pair”.Family-Neigh-Partner-PAGE-HEADER

Some parents may be perfectly happy having just 1 child, a “pigeon pair” or they may be happy with multiple children of the same gender. It really isn’t anyone’s place to make anything of it – especially if they haven’t a close relationship with the parents. Over the years I’ve read many posts online that have mentioned the comments people have received when other people find out that are having another of the same gender when they already have 2 or more of that gender.

After losing Zoë and finding out I was again pregnant – I really wanted another girl and I was quite upset when I found out we were having a boy and was almost in tears at the ultrasound. On the one hand I was happy he was healthy and that there were no concerns, on the other I wanted a girl.

When I was pregnant with Alex, it wasn’t such a big deal about the gender; if baby was a boy then I already had all the clothes and if baby was a girl then that would have been even more special.

About 2 ½ years after Alex was born I was pregnant again and this time it was a bit of a surprise. We knew that this pregnancy would be our last and so was hoping to finally have a baby girl that we could parent. Along came our happy baby girl Rylee and I couldn’t have been happier. Then came the first nappy change and I felt flummoxed – “what do I do, where do I clean”. I was so used to changing my boys’ nappies that it felt alien to change my daughter’s. How could I not know what to do, after all she was the same gender as myself yet I still felt at a loss. If she had been another boy I would have known what to do and just got on with it and not feel like a new mum.

Now when she is almost 15 months old I feel a lot more confident yet I’m not sure what she’ll be like when she is 2 years old. As a baby she’s pretty easy-going and I’m hoping she’ll stay like that as she gets older. As I feel more confident with my boys I’m grateful for those with multiple daughters as they have more experience in dealing with the different ages and possible scenarios relating to girls.

When it comes to the boys, Rob has got a great relationship with them, but I think its our youngest son that he’s closer to. Alex is the one Rob bonded with instantly and is like him in his attitude to try anything whereas Jason is a lot like Rob when it comes to sense of humour; however he seems to have inherited the empathy that’s a strong part of my personality.

It’s a good thing that we had another boy as Alex is the one Rob understands more and Alex is definitely closer to his Dad than he is to me. It actually looks like Rylee may be a Daddy’s girlJ. So even if we hadn’t of had Rylee, Rob and I still would have had a child each that we understood better than the other.

It doesn’t matter the make-up of a family unit, how many children they have or the gender of the children. What does matter is that the children are loved and are never told or felt that they are disappointments. Some children may take it to heart if they are told or overhear that they were not wanted as they were the wrong gender. Even though at first I was disappointed Jason was Jason and not a girl. He and I have a strong bond and I wouldn’t want him to be anyone but himself. I’m happy I have a girl I get to parent; however I still would not trade my boys for her and vice versa.

me and my family families are all different

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Zoë-Girl and Our Little Princess

Zoë-Girl and Our Little Princess

Rylee’s first birthday is just days away and when I’m not thinking about the party prep, my mind is often on our Zoë girl and how she won’t reach all these milestones. Some may say I should be happy that I have my princess to experience them, yet that’s not the same thing as Rylee is Rylee and Zoë is Zoë. How they would have reached their milestones would have been different. With Zoë I would have experienced her milestones as a first-time mother; I’m finding that in a way I compare Rylee’s milestones to that of her brothers’.

Rylee is my little princess through and through, she even has a little princess wave. Zoë I have no idea what she would be like, and I miss that. Some may believe that since she was still-born she didn’t really live; however I have photos of her, prints of her hands and feet. She has a birth certificate, I may not have experienced much with Zoë other than planning her funeral but she’s still my daughter, she gave me many stretch marks and I still remember her kicks and movements, I remember the cravings and aversion to mince.

Some may believe that a 1st birthday isn’t important as the child won’t remember, but I believe that the 1st birthday is an important milestone and in this day and age when social media and digital photography plays such a large role in our society then the child can look at the memories and know that their firsts were important.

For Rylee I want her to always know that she’s not a replacement for her big sister as no-one can “replace” Zoë and that Rylee is an important part of our family in her own right. Hopefully Rylee will always feel loved and she is, especially by her big brothers – I will probably have to remind them when she’s old enough to annoy themJ.

I may be a bit bias, but I think that Rylee is the most beautiful little girl in the world and sometimes can’t believe I made someone so pretty. She is such a happy little baby and puts up with a lot from her big brothers.  Maybe Zoë would have put her little brothers’ in their place but I think Rylee has them wrapped around her little finger. At the moment Rylee definitely has her brothers’ attention not just her biggest brother but also the younger of her big brothers who likes to pick her up and move her around the room even though she has been able to crawl from about 6 and a half months.

When Rylee starts school I will probably also think about what Zoë would have been doing then, I can’t seem to stop thinking about that, every milestone that Rylee reaches causes me to think about Zoë. All my children will know that Zoë is still a part of the family just the same as their Nana who died before they were even a thought.