More Prose than Poetry

More Prose than Poetry

This “novel” is me truly opening up and baring more of myself than I would normally do.

When I was younger my literary outlet was writing poetry I’ve found in that I was still able to hide from myself. I don’t know when it started but I would try to be who I thought people wanted me to be and in that was very rarely myself. I put on a mask so much that I think I forgot who I was.

I was bullied at school so became very introverted my my self esteem was very low, I became the type of person that wanted to please people and never disappoint – which I now find interesting as in life I have felt disappointed by people and sometimes it wasn’t the other persons fault.

I grew up in the church and for some reasons thought I had to be this little christian girl – but really I didn’t know what that meant, I could spout out many bible verses and I was the kid who because I felt lonely would say “I’m not alone, I’ve got Jesus”

I remember one night I prayed that I just wanted Mum to be happy – previously that year she had attempted to take her own life – the next morning my Grandparents came and told me that Mum had passed away; she had succeeded (if you can call it that) in taking her own life. I was 14 when this happened and I started going back to church again as I felt that’s what my mum would have wanted, I felt like I was the one responsible for my little sister and brother and to pick up where mum left off. In doing this I think I forgot more about me.

Being a teenager is hard enough, but when you’ve got to go through those years without anyone to really guide you. The next year when I was 15 I had to change schools, the year after I had little choice but to move out as my step-mum and I did not get along, so I moved in with my Granny who’s an awesome woman, but my life felt so topsy-turvy and I felt so alone even with the family around me.

By the time I got to my early 20’s I was starting to feel a bit normal and could manage; or so I thought, I still was not being true to myself which also meant that those around me didn’t really know me either. When I first met Rob he thought I was some “holier than though” girl, and in a way I was though it was more of a way for me to hide my low self-esteem from not just those around me but to myself as well.

Go down the track a few years and Rob and I are married and expecting our first child, however at 20 weeks we find that she is not likely to live. By 42 weeks I went through a traumatic birth  and Zoë  was stillborn, and I felt let down by God, by friends, by myself. I was angry at everyone including myself. My self-esteem took such a beating that it took a while for me to be truly happy again.

A year and a half later we had our first son and my self-esteem started to slowly come back. Then 20 months later our youngest son arrived and it took a long time for me to bond with him and I almost hated myself for it, but eventually things turned right. Now last year we had our gorgeous wee girl who I feel so protective of and would do almost anything to make her happy.

Even after all this joy I am still having to work on my self-esteem and that fact that I struggle with anxiety. Most days I can keep it in check but there have been times when things just feel too much and I almost break. One thing I think I was good at was pretending that everything was fine – because aren’t I meant to be happy, after all I have beautiful children, am married to a great guy and have some pretty good friends.

Even though I have all this, there are times when I feel alone – not all the time of course but in those bad moments it feels really bad.

Lately I’ve been focusing on positive events like the first birthday of my precious wee girl who when she smiles brings so much joy. One thing I’ve tried to do is to not let my boys get worried when I have my bad moments as I want them to be as carefree as possible. I want them to not grow up too fast.


The Middle Child

The Middle Child


Alex lost his place as baby of the family when our daughter came along 7 months ago; if that wasn’t difficult enough his Dad who he has a great bond with was in hospital for 2 weeks at the beginning of the year and though he is out of hospital he is still not quite and will be heading to Auckland Hospital next week for observations and tests; its a 6 or so hour drive from where we live and so visiting will be very difficult so won’t happen. Which in a way may be a good thing as Alex didn’t like seeing his Dad in the hospital – he saw him after the tubes were taken out.

Rob’s balance is still not great and sometimes finds it difficult to even carry a cup of coffee from the kitchen to the living room. This means that the rough-housing that normally goes on between those 2 has been put on hold.

Alex’s big brother Jason has been busy with school and is involved in activities outside of school as well so I think Alex has been feeling a bit left out especially when his baby sister takes up more of my time. I try to spend quality time with Alex when I can  but things are definitely different now.alex-age-3

Normally Alex is a friendly and helpful little boy but he has been having moments where he’s defiant and aggressive, maybe part of it is his age – after all he will be 4 in a few weeks I think a lot of it has to do more with all the changes he’s had to deal with.

Alex is the type of kid that will try anything he is determined and seems to have very little fear. I have found that I can’t waiver at all with him and compromise is not possible. If he’s given an inch he will take a mile. This type of attitude will be good when he’s a teenager as maybe he will be less likely to give in to peer pressure – right now though hes a bit of a trial, though hopefully it will get better as he learns more self-control.alex

Best Friends or Bitter Rivals

Best Friends or Bitter Rivals

After our eldest son was born, I knew I didn’t want to stop there; I’m a strong believer that children need playmates. Only children may work for some people but I didn’t want that to be the case for my boy. I also realise that it may not be possible for parents to have more than one. I felt that my son would be better off with a sibling. So almost 2 years later along came his little brother.

I enjoy (most of the time) the relationship the brothers have. Our eldest boy has a big heart and loves to help his little brother, his little brother seems to want to do what his big brother does – but he also seems to enjoy “tormenting” his big brother. At the moment the brothers share a bedroom and sometimes it seems to flow smoothly, other times its like World War 3.

My eldest boy likes to have time by himself sometimes but it can be a fight to get that across to his little brother, sometimes my big boy tries to dictate how the brothers play and because of his little brother’s strong sense of independence it can turn a little bit rough. If the eldest insists to much on how their play should progress and pays no attention to what his little brother wants, then instead of words physicality ensues to get the eldest to listen to the youngest.

I’m not sure if this physicality is because they are boys or if its an age thing. What is interesting though is that the physicality could seem quite bad but once its over they are best friends again almost as if it never happened.

In having sons I’ve learnt that sometimes I have to step back and only interfere if things are getting completely out of hand – after all I don’t want them to kill each other 🙂

Within a day my sons can go from being best friends to bitter rivals then back to best friends many times. The one thing I hope is that they always have each others back and no matter where life takes them they will always know they have each other.

Rainbow Princess

Rainbow Princess

rylee-6-moSeven years ago Rob and I had our first baby girl Zoë-Jean, unfortunately she was stillborn at 42 weeks gestation. A year and a half later our rainbow baby arrived – a boy, twenty months after his arrival we had another boy. Six months ago we finally had another girl – to me she is my rainbow princess. I love my boys, having  a little girl that I can dress in pink, put her in dresses and who I can buy accessories for is just the icing on the cake.

She is such a sweet little girl, I love her smiles and when I’m feeling in a bad mood just watching her brightens my day. I remember when we found out we were having a girl I was so excited and my hope is that she is a girly girl, realistically I’m not sure if she will be like that as she gets older; with 2 big brothers she may turn out to be a bit of a tomboy – not that that matters. So for now I will dress her in dresses as much as I can.

One of the things I’m glad about is that instead of being jealous of this little rainbow princess her big brothers adore her. When she accidentally rolled off the couch she was less upset than her 5 y/o big brother.

I love the fact that she was born with brown eyes like her eldest brother but as the months go by they seem to be more hazel like her Dad’s eyes. As much as it would have been so sweet to have a mini-me I think she is going to be her Dad’s mini-me, which is absolutely fine.



Married To Epilepsy – Explained

Married To Epilepsy – Explained

I did a previous blog post called Married To Epilepsy and had a comment how I wasn’t married to epilepsy it is my husband that has epilepsy – in many ways that’s correct; however there are times when the epilepsy feels like it is at the forefront. Over the last few days I have spent my time between home and the I.C.U at my Husbands side. He was admitted to the I.C.U after E.D. could not get the seizures under control.

My husband is the one that directly affects, yet it does indirectly affect me. when my husband is going through a bad bout then I’m the one that has to be there not only for him, but to make sure that our kids and the housework is not neglected.

So though someone diagnosed with epilepsy is the one directly affected, indirectly it also affects their loved ones. I know that what my husband goes through is extremely tough but what cannot be ignored is the affect it not only has on myself, but also on our children and family and friends.

My husband doesn’t like being labelled “an epileptic” so though I could have titled the blog post “Married To An Epileptic” – that would have been disrespectful to my husband. When things are going smoother, you could almost forget about the epilepsy and things could go smoothly for days – and then again there will be times when they are rough.

So I am married to Rob who has epilepsy but there times when it feels like I’m Married To Epilepsy.



Jason age 3

Before I had kids I had heard of the “terrible twos” but never of “threenagers” and when Jason was heading nearer to the age of 2 I started to dread it a little bit. I found though that as tiresome as 2 was, it wasn’t as bad as when he was 3. I have experienced this also with Alex, who now that he is coming up to 4 – keeping my cool with him has been more of a mission. I’m not sure if it’s mainly a boy thing as my girl isn’t even one yet so have not experienced it with that side of things.

Alex age 3


When Alex was a baby he was so cruisy and such an easy baby but pretty much as soon as he turned 3, he turned into a little monster, LOL. If I’m remembering this correctly he is even worse that what Jason was at this age – but it could just be that because Jason was not an easy baby we were a little bit more prepared.

Jason is now 5 and a half and is definitely Mummy’s little helper, he still has his moments but overall he is a great kid and a good big brother. So hopefully Alex will calm down by the time he is 5.

One of the reasons I think that 3 year olds are such a trial is because their vocabulary in general has expanded – however it is still limited so they struggle to express their emotions properly or to control them as most adults are capable of doing. As parents/guardians it is our job to stay calm (not always easy) and to teach them how to express themselves in a positive way, often this includes teaching them through our actions; we are to try to express our emotions in a healthy way. Realistically we are not always going to be able to achieve that, what is important is that we try to and even maybe apologize when we lose our cool, after all we are parents not saints and we will blow our tops.


Stop The Mum Wars

Stop The Mum Wars

I find it interesting how before I had kids I thought I knew it all; had all these ideals on what I would and wouldn’t do.  The thing that is the most interesting is that during my pregnancies I got “advice” from some women without kids. Even now I get “advice” from mothers who have hinted that the way they did/ do it is best.

In my opinion the best way to deal with this is to “chew up the meat and spit out the bones”   meaning that certain ways that may have worked for one person may not work for another;  if I want I could try the way they suggested but in the end I need to do what is best for my household.

As mothers we need to support one another and just because their ways may be different to our ways doesn’t necessarily mean they are in the wrong. Sometimes a mother may do something that probably is not really the best but is done that way as it is the only way they know. We can talk about what works for us but that way should not be pushed.

Breast vs. Bottle, co-sleeping vs baby in own room, baby-wearing vs. pram etc.. whatever they do is their choice. For those that insist that their way is the only way to do it needs to come down off their high-horse and instead of tearing down another Mum to start building them up; these Mum/Mom Wars need to stop.

In this day and age mothers could get lost in the vast amount of information and opinions that are easily available. With the mix of multicultural families that are around, cultural practices can be easily integrated within parenting.

As a last note I would just like to say that as mothers we need to do what is best for us and our children, how we parent should not be based on how someone else parents, we each have positive and negative qualities about us and try new ideas if you want but in the end if it doesn’t work – it doesn’t work .