Zoë-Girl and Our Little Princess

Zoë-Girl and Our Little Princess

Rylee’s first birthday is just days away and when I’m not thinking about the party prep, my mind is often on our Zoë girl and how she won’t reach all these milestones. Some may say I should be happy that I have my princess to experience them, yet that’s not the same thing as Rylee is Rylee and Zoë is Zoë. How they would have reached their milestones would have been different. With Zoë I would have experienced her milestones as a first-time mother; I’m finding that in a way I compare Rylee’s milestones to that of her brothers’.

Rylee is my little princess through and through, she even has a little princess wave. Zoë I have no idea what she would be like, and I miss that. Some may believe that since she was still-born she didn’t really live; however I have photos of her, prints of her hands and feet. She has a birth certificate, I may not have experienced much with Zoë other than planning her funeral but she’s still my daughter, she gave me many stretch marks and I still remember her kicks and movements, I remember the cravings and aversion to mince.

Some may believe that a 1st birthday isn’t important as the child won’t remember, but I believe that the 1st birthday is an important milestone and in this day and age when social media and digital photography plays such a large role in our society then the child can look at the memories and know that their firsts were important.

For Rylee I want her to always know that she’s not a replacement for her big sister as no-one can “replace” Zoë and that Rylee is an important part of our family in her own right. Hopefully Rylee will always feel loved and she is, especially by her big brothers – I will probably have to remind them when she’s old enough to annoy themJ.

I may be a bit bias, but I think that Rylee is the most beautiful little girl in the world and sometimes can’t believe I made someone so pretty. She is such a happy little baby and puts up with a lot from her big brothers.  Maybe Zoë would have put her little brothers’ in their place but I think Rylee has them wrapped around her little finger. At the moment Rylee definitely has her brothers’ attention not just her biggest brother but also the younger of her big brothers who likes to pick her up and move her around the room even though she has been able to crawl from about 6 and a half months.

When Rylee starts school I will probably also think about what Zoë would have been doing then, I can’t seem to stop thinking about that, every milestone that Rylee reaches causes me to think about Zoë. All my children will know that Zoë is still a part of the family just the same as their Nana who died before they were even a thought.

Any loss of life is devastating

Any loss of life is devastating

dr-seuss-quote-2

I love the above Dr. Seuss quote as it gives meaning to every loss of life from a miscarriage or stillbirth to the death of an elderly person. Just because someone may have a miscarriage or their baby may be stillborn does not diminish the loss. I think that no singular loss of life is greater than another. The babies that are loss before they take their first breath of air still have an enormous affect on people. These losses aren’t just of a life but of what could of been.

Within three decades I have lost a little sister, my mum, my daughter as well as both Granddads – also a few little cousins, out of all of these the death that affected me the most was that of my eldest daughter

When I found out I was pregnant with my firstborn daughter, I was so excited even before I knew she was a girl I had all these dreams for her. So when we lost her it wasn’t just not being to hold her but also those dreams we had for her weren’t going to come to fruition at all.  Yes, I know as our children get older our dreams for them may change anyway. Because Zoe-Jean was stillborn I never knew what her eye colour was, because I had an epidural I didn’t even get to bath her.

Just because the death of my Zoe-Jean affected me the most does not mean that those other losses were any less devastating. They were all devastating for different reasons. One of the reasons my mum’s death hurt was because I was only 14 at the time and when she took her own life I couldn’t help but blame myself at the time. My sister’s death would have been devastating to my parents as she was just a baby and hadn’t even reached her first birthday. The death of both my Granddads was devastating for different reasons.

These losses have also helped to make me the person I am today; because of how my mum died it has made me determined to hold on no matter what. The death of my daughter is what has molded how I am as a mother. Every loss of life I have suffered has made me realise how precious is every life.

Coming from a person who has suffered losses from both ends of the spectrum I think says a lot. If we regard ANY loss of life as unimportant then what does it say about us. I think that all life should be treasured. No matter what life has been loss we  as people should be there to support those who have or are going through a loss

NB: Abortion is a topic that I feel is very controversial and could open a whole can of worms so have left it out on purpose as I don’t believe it is a black and white subject

dr-seuss-quote-1